Kaos Agent of the Month
In honor of its third anniversary, The Unclassified Get Smart Site now hosts the Kaos Agent of the Month Awards. These awards honor the nastiest and rottenest individuals in espionage and encourages Kaos Agents world wide to reach for new lows in treachery. All this and more is brought to you by a biased nominating party of one.
October 2003's Kaos Agent of the Month
One of Kaos' top assassins, the Exterminator (more commonly known as ace accountant Earl Kibee) was assigned to knock off Wolfgang Dietrich, the highest ranking Kaos Agent ever to defect to Control. Since he was the most calculating, cold-blooded killer ever to have worked for Kaos, he was obviously the best man for the job. After all, Earl's previous experience included killing his own mother-in-law! To boot, Mr. Kibee can't stand snitching sniveling defectors.
The assignment, though, didn't add up according to his calculations. Earl's major flaw in the scheme was not planning ahead for the possibility that Dietrich may wind up employed as Mr. and Mrs. Smart's babysitter.
The Exterminator win's this month's award not because he hates defectors, but because his name is Earl.
The Ambassador (September 2003)
Talk about jerks, the Ambassador of Bulmania doesn't waist time on disposing of bad minions --he just kills them. Their widows on the other hand get a one way ticket back to the eastern bloc nation of Bulmania.
In addition to being downright nasty, the Ambassador's big job for Kaos was to keep the only existing sample of Dr. Harper's rocket fuel under lock and key. Now it's not that the Ambassador did not do a bad job with this --his wine cellar was secure and he kept the key to it around his neck at all times. He just made two bad decisions --drinking and spying and hiring Maxwell Smart as his valet.
The Ambassador of Bulmania wins this month's award not because he was a snooty grouch, but because he was the only Kaos Agent with diplomatic immunity.
Rupert of Rathskeller (August 2003)
Rotten Ruthless Rupert of Rathskeller, as he's known to his colleagues, made a pointed effort to underline just how rotten he was when he kidnapped King Charles of Caronia. The former aid of Charles' evil half brother Basil, Rupert was readily available (he can be found in the phonebook) when Kaos needed him to steal Caronia's Royal Diamond Scepter.
Rupert was on a roll -until his venomous tarantula failed to kill control agent Maxwell Smart who was hiding King Charles in his apartment. Even after he kidnapped the king, Smart showed up for a fencing match. After a few deft maneuvers, Rupert wussed and escaped the Control agents impeding on his hideout. As far as we know, Rupert is still at large -perhaps he busy looking for smarter minions.
Rotten Ruthless Rupert of Rathskeller wins this month's award not because he's evil, but because he's a handsome devil and a dazzling swordsman!
The Groovy Guru (July 2003)
The Groovy Guru is perhaps the coolest Kaos Agent those squares at Control ever had to deal with. The Guru was cleaver too -it took Control quite some time to get the goods on the hippster's plan to turn every teen in the United States into a mindless zombie. It was a great plan too! With the help of the the nation's hottest rock and roll group, the Sacred Cows, the Guru was going to use 10 million kids to do Kaos' dirty work. Yep, child labor is what Kaos is all about.
The Guru's plan, however, bombed when he crossed paths with pesky goody-goods, Maxwell Smart and Agent 99. Due to Smart's hidden tuning fork, the Guru's plan to blow their brains apart with the worlds largest amplifier failed. Not only that but 99 had the nerve to pull the plug on his big broadcast.
The Groovy Guru wins this month's award for capitalizing on the 60s hippie-mania and putting the thrill thrill thrill back in espionage.
Simon the Likable (December 2002)
Simon the Likable is one heck of guy -in fact his charms have always enabled him to get his own way. His big job for Kaos was to steal the Huffiker Plans from the Pentagon. Due to Maxwell Smart's idiocy, Simon gets his maps mixed up with Smart's and winds up in the maternity ward where Agent 99 is supposed to give birth. Nevertheless all seems to be forgiven -it is Simon and, after all, he's soooo nice!
Unfortunately Simon fell short of his glory when he bumped into Agent 99's mother, causing her to drop her dimes for the third time in a row. 99's mother promptly responded to all Simon's good graces by giving him a solid belt in the nose.
Simon the Likable wins this month's award not because of his achievements with Kaos, but because... well... he's such a really swell guy! What a guy! We should lift a glass to him!
Victor Royale (November 2002)
Victor Royale, sneaky casino kingpin of San Jirman Island, is legendary among the ranks of Kaos Agents for romancing Control's Agent 99. In fact, Victor was so convincing in his love for 99 that she readily dropped her life and friends at Control and agreed to marry him. Unfortunately for Victor, his success fell short when his true identity as a Kaos Agent was discovered by the troublesome Maxwell Smart. Like a game of "telephone" gone bad, Agent 86 blabbed Victor's secret to 99, thus upsetting Kaos' operations on San Jirman.
Victor wins this month's award for being the definitive "Worst Nightmare" boyfriend. Ladies, think you've kissed a lot of frogs? Try imagining your man turning out to be a Kaos killer!
Wailing Wanda (October 2002)
While Wailing Wanda's shining moment under Kaos' groovy strobe lights was a brief one, it was indeed pivotal... well almost. Wanda aided the Groovy Guru by masquerading as Control Courier 12. This enabled her to handcuff an exploding purse to the wrist of an unwitting and flirty Maxwell Smart. It is unfortunate for Wanda, though, that her mission turned out to be a bomb. Goody-good Agent 86 lucked out when the purse ripped and the bomb rolled down Control's handy dandy bomb shoot without him.
Wailing Wanda wins this month's award for two reasons. One, the phrase 'Wailing Wanda wins the award' makes a nice tongue twister. Two, she has great taste in coordinating exploding purses with her victims' outfits.
Eric Zharko (September 2002)
It shouldn't be too shocking that Dr. Eric Zharko is the honoree for September. He, after all, has done a lot for Kaos by recycling expired agents. Allegedly executed by the Transylvanian Highway Patrol, Zharko came back from the dead, but unlike fellow dead-ville alum Buffy the Vampire slayer, he didn't return to aid the forces of niceness. Instead Zharko utilized lots and lots of high voltage to raise the rotten and attempt to put the snoopy Maxwell Smart and the misguided, though lovely, Agent 99 into suspended animation.
Dr. Zharko receives this month's award not for his scientific genius, but because the stiffs he resurrects are not hanging around just to vote in a Chicago election!
Shtarker (August 2002)
There are leaders, there are followers, and then there is Shtarker -which is a category in and of itself. Shtarker, the former all-time track star of the Third Reich, escaped from El Alamein right after his leader, Siegfried. Ever since that fateful day he has faithfully served Kaos as Siegfried's right hand whipping boy. Loyalty to Kaos and Siegfried is Starker's greatest asset to evilness. While Shtarker is a particularly unreliable henchmen, he readily tackles each assignment with a sense of glee, purpose, and utter distraction.
Be it noted that Herr Shtarker receives this award for excelling in the art of human sound effects and bringing stupidity down to an even lower level.
Conrad Siegfried (July 2002)
Also known as Ludwig Siegfried and, on occasion, Mr. Smith, Siegie is one of Kaos' top officers and an overall underhanded sneak. Siegfried began his journey into evil as an officer in the Third Reich. During those exploits he was captured by the Allies and was promptly put in a prison camp in El Alamein, Egypt. Dastardly Siegfried eventually escaped from El Alamein and relocated to Argentina. He began his career in Kaos as an office boy and part-time killer and eventually became the Vice-President in Charge of Public Relations and Terror.
Siegfried is recognized as the very first Kaos Agent of the Month not only for his knack for being nasty, but because he threatened to pound the webmaster's laptop into oblivion if she didn't make him number eins.
The Kaos Awards are sponsored by Donkey Kong, Maalox, and Coke2. Winners receive new bulletproof shirts, a sock in the gut, and a CD of Total Kaos by Die Schlauberger.
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